|I Have Lost Part of My Heart|
I was eight years old when I fell in love with Michael Jackson. I was at my father's house, watching MTV music videos with my brother and sister.
My father is and was a lot like Joe Jackson. Except he did not abuse us because we messed up a dance step or hit a wrong note. He did it because "he felt like it." It was a frightening experience for me to be there, more-so than it was for my other siblings. They just "coped", but I couldn't. I would go back to my mother's house with an aching body because I would be so tense at his house, my muscles burned.
But sometimes, when my father would leave for work, or go to run errands, my older brother would take out a tape of previously recorded MTV music videos and we'd watch it. My mind would wander while the videos played, but then--BAM. Thriller. I was immediately taken into the genius and world of Michael Jackson. The video would end, and I would be a little scared because I was a small child. But then I remember Childhood, it was and is one of my all time favorite songs and videos. I remember wishing I could sail away on a boat to the moon, and get away from my father. But he was my escape. Those videos took me into his world and I never wanted to leave. He helped ease the pangs of fear and sadness at my father's house.
As I got older I recognized the virtues that I value in my friends in Michael. I began to recognize the depth of his genius and his pain, and I was able to relate. I am the child of an abusive father, and my father is like that because his father abused him. Now, people say if you grew up in the 60's it was the "norm" to be slapped around, but just because it was common doesn't make it right or soften the long term pain and emotional turmoil it brings. My father was born in 1957, and was abused by his father like Michael. Instead of turning out to be a shy and extremely gentle and a kind man. He turned into a violent man, and let that anger towards his own father build up and grow. Doctors say that is common for someone with an abusive parent. So why would it be uncommon for a man to turn out just the opposite? Why would it be frowned upon to be the victim of abuse, but not be bitter about it? It's all so strange to me.
But I have not, like Michael, let it consume me and make me a bitter person. I turned that frustration and anger into determination to help make the world a better place. I find the peace within myself and share that with people of all ages, but like Michael, I have a soft spot for children. I can relate to him so much. I am very childlike myself. I have more fun spending the day with my little sister's ten year old friends than I do my own sometimes! And I am teased because of it sometimes, but when people get around me, I try to get them to bring out their inner child. We all have one.
If it wasn't for Michael I don't know what I would be like... I think I would turn out like my father, but Michael inspired me to turn that anger into love. His music is majestic and magic. I think of him everyday and I miss him everyday. He feels like a friend to me, a brother, a father. I never got the chance to meet him or know him personally. But through his words, and poetry and music I feel like I do. I feel honored to experience this daily joy he brings me through his works. I feel honored to have been alive at the same time he was. Even though I was only alive for the last 16 years of his life, it brings a smile to my face to know I was there. I was on the same planet as a man that was not of this world. He embodies Mozart, Chopin, Bach, Beethoven... All of these prodigal legends. Michael will be remembered for eternity. Hundreds of years from now people will think 'That Michael Jackson. He was somethin'." Magic. He was magic. And Peter Pan has gone to his true Neverland now. Where no one can hurt him anymore.
Michael changed my life. I miss him, I love him. And one day I want to be just like him. But my heart will always feel lighter than it did before June 25th. A piece of my heart went with him when he left, the piece I saved just for him.
-You're always in my heart, Michael.
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